


The Sehun Complex

by streamercookies



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-03-29 04:09:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13919088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/streamercookies/pseuds/streamercookies
Summary: Kim Joonmyun is a coward.Oh Sehun is a brat.Sehun is afraid of the possibilities.Joonmyun’s complex is Sehun.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is completely a work in progress. I started writing this a long time ago, but lost everything when my laptop just crashed. So I've decided to post it here so it doesn't happen again. This may take awhile.

Joonmyun loves ice cream. He loves ice cream very much. He loves it so much that he wanted to marry ice cream when he was little and have tiny ice cream babies. It wasn’t until he was much older (far too older than he cares to admit) that he realized it was biologically impossible. So he has since then decided to just settle for loving ice cream by eating them to his heart’s content.

                The ice cream shop he is currently at is mostly empty, save for him and a few workers. Of course it helps that it is past midnight in the middle of January. Rarely do ice cream shops open past 11 at night but Joonmyun has always loved seeking new places to wait for the sky to change colours; watch it slowly turn the dark midnight to streaking orange as day slowly creeps to take over the night.

                He was lucky to have stumbled upon this shop while trying to find his way home from Yixing’s house after a night of cramming for their midterms. It was odd to him, at first, to have found an ice cream shop open at 3 in the morning but he has quickly become a regular and the workers were friendly enough that they don’t mind him staying there as daylight comes. He even knows the owner.

His friends are probably at a club somewhere dancing and drinking the night away. They had asked him to join him but he had never been one for crowded spaces and loud music. Usually he would put up enough of a front to bear with it for the sake of his friends. But today is not one of those days.

                “What do you mean you can’t?!” Baekhyun had yelled into the phone. Loud music blasting from the club speakers and a deafening cheer can be heard in the background. He had called Joonmyun to confirm his attendance but evidently Joonmyun had decided to bail out at the last minute (in truth he never planned on going in the first place).

                “Sorry, Baek but I’m really tired and I have some reading to catch up on for the new semester,” Joonmyun employs his usual weapon. It wasn’t uncommon for him to bail out but his friends never tire themselves from giving him grief every single time. Joonmyun knows it’s only to guilt him into buying them food but he can never say otherwise.  “I promise I’ll make it up to you guys. Pizzas. The usual order. My place, this weekend.”

                “You’re missing out on a hell of a good time, Hyung. You’re too busy being an overachiever and making us all feel like crap in comparison,” Baekhyun’s voice was occasionally drowned by the thumping of the beat. “Your youth is gonna pass you by and before you realize it you’re sitting on your rocking arm chair wondering where the times have gone.”

                “And I’m sure you’ll be saying _‘I told you so’_ to my face every chance you get when that happens,” he had laughed. Baekhyun always had a way about him that made anyone feel at ease even when they’re the butt of the joke.

                “You bet your ass I will. Every single one of us will be saying it to you. Especially Sehun.” The mention of his best friend brings a familiar heaviness to his chest. “Is he there?” Joonmyun had asked.

                “He just got here. Chanyeol is trying to convince him to do shots together.” Chanyeol’s booming laugh came through in the back. Joonmyun had suddenly felt like leaving and going to the club right then. Just a little bit.

                “Tell Chanyeol that if Sehun kills himself, I’m holding him responsible.”

                “Don’t worry, Hyung. He won’t die. None of us will. Not just yet,”Chanyeol must have grabbed the phone from Baekhyun. “Kyungsoo is here to keep us all sober enough to at least be able to get home.”

                “Thank goodness there’s at least one sane person there. I have to go but I’ll see you crazies soon.”

                That was well over an hour ago and he did get some reading done and now he’s in a deep ice cream trance as he scoops a spoonful of cookie dough into his mouth and stares outside. The people outside are thinning out and soon the streets will be empty. He wonders how Sehun will get back home or if he has to go pick him up and haul his ass home.

                It’s a wonder that he and Sehun had lasted this long as friends. He still remembers the moving truck that had suddenly appeared next door one summer day. Joonmyun had only been a sophomore then; Sehun, three years younger. From the first moment they met Joonmyun has felt the overbearing urge to protect him. It wasn’t that Sehun portrayed himself as weak. On the contrary, he had a guarded stance about him and a constant brooding look on his face even at quite a young age. He often looked older than his age. But for some reason, Joonmyun knew it was all for show. Right from the beginning, he could tell.

                His gut had proven to be right when he found Sehun alone at a play ground near their house late one night. Joonmyun had been on one of his late night ice cream runs, a full plastic bag swinging back and forth in his left hand, an opened ice cream cone in his right. He was on the swings but he wasn’t even swinging properly, just swaying slightly back and forth, an unfocused look on his face.

                Joonmyun had gone to him then, wanted to ask him why he was out so late, but as he got nearer, he could see a steady stream of tears running down his cheeks. He wasn’t bawling, but the tears were there, shining slightly in the glow of the street lamps. He had hesitated, Sehun hasn’t even noticed him yet, he could still turn back if he wanted. But the righteous part of him (the one his parents had nurtured in him from small) and the heaviness in his chest made him take those few steps to sit on the neighboring swing.

                “What are you doing out here this late?” He had asked. It was only then that Sehun looked at him, registering his presence. He had a stoic look on his face but he did nothing to hide the tears. Joonmyun didn’t think he could even if he tried. And he was kind of glad that Sehun didn’t hide them.  For the first time since they met, the mask wasn’t there.

                Sehun kept mum at first, just sat there staring at him. Joonmyun had started to feel self-conscious under his gaze so he looked away. He wasn’t sure what else to do so he grabbed a chocolate ice cream bar from the assorted flavors that he had bought before opening it and offering it to Sehun. He secretly knew it was his favourite. “Here,” he said.

                Sehun’s stoic composure remained but a glance at the peace offering in between them sparked a tiny smile on Joonmyun’s face as he watched Sehun raise his hand to accept the ice cream.

                They both ate in silence. “The moon is really bright out tonight,” Joonmyun had absently remarked if only to have something to say. It was a chill night and ice cream probably was not the best idea for either of them, especially since Sehun had forego on a jacket before he came out, but the mood was peaceful.

                “It’s my favourite,” Sehun had said in a small voice that Joonmyun almost missed it.

                “What is?”

                “Chocolate. It’s my favourite flavor.” Sehun finally looked up from staring at the ground, giving Joonmyun a small smile. “How did you know?”

                “Lucky guess.” Joonmyun shrugged. In truth, he sees Sehun slurping on a box of chocolate milk twice a day at least and just made a deduction. He takes a deep breath. “Are you going to tell me now what you’re doing here alone and without a jacket?” Joonmyun shrugged out of his own and draped it across Sehun’s shoulders. He was so tiny then, much smaller than Joonmyun, the jacket falling around his slight frame.

                He was granted with another brooding silence, and it was honestly getting on his nerves. Sure the kid wasn’t a talkative one. But does that really mean he could just blatantly ignore someone when they ask him a question? It slightly pissed him off, even. “Are you just going to ignore me everytime I ask or are you going to actually answer the question?” Joonmyun miffed. “It’s rude to ignore people when they ask you a question.”

                Sehun sighed. In that moment he looked so young, younger than his age. Joonmyun saw a child with a heavy weight on his shoulders. “I had to get away for a little bit. I couldn’t sleep. It was too loud.”

                “What was loud?”

                “My parents.” Sehun drew patterns in the dirt with his foot. “They were yelling at each other. At first they were talking about my dad’s smoking. After a while all the yelling just blended together and I couldn’t make anything of it anymore. I had to get out.”

                It was Joonmyun that was silent then. He knew about the fights, could hear them sometimes late at night when he’s studying. He couldn’t imagine the volume with only a door in between. “Why the hell didn’t you bring a jacket then?” Joonmyun scolded. “It’s freezing. I mean, I get it now why you’re out here but jeez kid, couldn’t you think to bring a jacket before you left?” He shivered.

                “I’m not a kid.” Sehun threw the ice cream wrapper at him. “And you can have your jacket back if you want it. I don’t need it.”

                “Don’t litter, kid. It’s against the law, you know.” Joonmyun picked it up and stuffed it in the plastic bag. “And I can’t leave you jacketless where you can possibly die of hypothermia. Imagine the impact that would have on my guilt. My reputation would be tarnished.”

                “Shut up,”Sehun laughed. It was such a joy to hear at that moment, with it being so rare and after what he had just said. Joonmyun ruffled his hair.

                “Hyung, please don’t tell anyone. My parents would kill me if they found out I sneaked out.” Sehun’s eyes were pleading. It was the first time Joonmyun got a good look at them. It was a bit browner than he realized. His chest ached. He knew from then on that the chest aches were going to be a normal occurrence.

                “Sure, kid. On one condition.”

                “What?”

                “Dress for the weather.”

                “Sure, hyung.” He smiled at Joonmyun. It was a thing of beauty, even then.

                “Don’t worry, kid. Your secret’s safe with me. You can trust your hyung. And if you ever need company, you can call me.”

                That was how it all started.

                And they have basically been joined at the hip since. Well, not literally but Joonmyun became a confidant for Sehun and, in turn, Sehun became a precious aspect in Joonmyun’s life.

                And honestly, he couldn’t imagine it any other way.

                His spoon has just hit the cardboard of the cup, signaling that he might need another refill soon, when the bells at the door rang. He looks up as Sehun walks in—tall figure dressed casually for a night out in black skinny jeans, a button down blue shirt and a leather jacket. He’s definitely not the little boy in the park anymore when you look at him but only Joonmyun knows otherwise.

                “I knew I would find you here,” he says as he takes a seat across from Joonmyun, immediately grabbing the spoon in Joonmyun’s hand and taking a big bite of ice cream. The brat had the nerve to smile sheepishly, too. Parts of his hair were slightly matted to his forehead – a sign he was sweating despite it being the dead of winter – and Joonmyun could smell the alcohol on him.

                “What are you doing here? Weren’t you with the others?” Joonmyun steals the spoon back from him. It’s annoying whenever Sehun claims Joonmyun’s anything as his own but for he can never say no to Sehun – has ever even bothered to try.

                “Well I knew my hyung was probably just sitting somewhere eating ice cream and being his usual old self and I just couldn’t let that happen any longer.” He opens his mouth and Joonmyun has no choice but to feed him another spoon full. Had it been anyone else, he wouldn’t tolerate the act; even discourage it especially because his ice cream is almost finished. But Sehun has always been different than everybody else.

                “You’re annoying and you’re getting me more ice cream,” he says.

                “That may be true, but I was right. Here you were.” Sehun smiled – one of those that tell Joonmyun he’s in nagging mode, even if he’s the hyung. “You can’t keep living like a hermit. It’s not good for your health. And you’ll never find dates this way.” Joonmyun eats his ice cream while keeping his eyes on Sehun; his I’m-gonna-humour-you-and-just-pretend-to-listen look. “And I need my hyung with me for all the times, good and bad. Somebody needs to have my back and make sure I don’t kill myself.”

                He feeds Sehun a spoonful. “So basically you just need someone to keep you out of trouble and make sure you get home when you can’t see straight.” Joonmyun shakes his head. It’s a common occurrence for the both of them and he has expected as much. Naggings from Sehun only end in his benefit. Never Joonmyun’s.  The selfish brat.

                “I’m buying the next one, I know. I know,” Sehun says as he gets up, grabbing the now empty carton and making his way to the counter for a new one. Joonmyun watches the light shine off the few studs on Sehun’s leather jacket. Sehun still doesn’t dress for the weather, the leather jacket he’s sporting a bit too thin for the seeping cold. Somethings never change.

                “Okay,” Sehun begins as he takes his seat again with a fresh new pint of ice cream in hand. He feeds a spoon to Joonmyun first before taking one for himself. “So what is your favourite ice cream flavour this week?”

                Snow suddenly starts sprinkling down from the sky as the scarce amount of people still outside make their way home and the night goes on. Joonmyun finds himself thinking, not for the first time that maybe, just maybe, if life were to go on like this, just exactly like this, he would be happy, could be happy. Sehun’s eyes disappear into half crescent moons, the tiny ice cream spoon in between his lips.

                Not for the first time, he thinks that this is enough. This is enough. It has to be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this took so long. I know where I want this story to go (at least I think I do) but am having trouble finding the right words and the right way to tell it.
> 
> Also, I'm going through something in real life and really just couldn't find the will to write. I didn't want to feel obligated to write because it's not why I started this in the first place. Also I was sick for awhile so I couldn't even get out of bed. This may sound like excuses but they're the truth. I still feel like I owe people an explanation and apologise. 
> 
> This is unbeta'd so I'm sorry for any grammatical errors. English isn't technically my first language. 
> 
> I'm also sorry that this chapter kind of sucks. This is pure word vomit but I hope people get the gist of it.

_Pizza night!_ Baekhyun texts Joonmyun. It’s Saturday and of course all of them want to hang out. Of course.

                _Redemption night,_ Joonmyun thinks to himself.

                Just at that time Sehun comes barging in and face plants on Joonmyun’s bed. He groans while flailing his arms and legs. This is a common occurrence and Joonmyun was already expecting this as soon as he got the text. _Overgrown child,_ Joonmyun thinks to himself.

                “I don’t want to have people over!” he whines. “It’s such a pain and we have to clean up after!”

                “What do you mean WE?” Joonmyun shoots him a look.

                Sehun grins sheepishly. “ _I try_. You don’t do much cleaning either!”

                “It’s coz we both suck at it but someone has to do it.” He flicks Sehun on the forehead as he takes a seat on the bed. Sehun crawls over and plants himself on Joonmyun, his whole torso right across Joonmyun’s lap. Joonmyun grunts from the added weight.

                “I don’t want to hang out tonight!” Sehun groans again but his voice is slightly muffled by the mattress. “I want to sleep and be miserable and wake up and stuff myself stupid and be miserable and sleep!”

                “Well there’s a surprise coming from someone that loves to party,” Joonmyun says as he runs his fingers through Sehun’s hair. “It’s not like you have much of a choice in the matter. It’s done and Baekhyun has probably invited everyone at this point.”

                Sehun whines and flails again, smashing his face into the mattress. “I hate everyone,” he says in a muffled voice. Joonmyun shakes his head.

                “Why do you like partying and going out but hate it when people come over?” His hand is still in Sehun’s hair. It’s not a weird thing for them; being this close. Their friends don’t find it weird either. They’ve known each other a long time. It’s not weird to be like this. It’s not.

                “Because when we go out we don’t have to clean,” Sehun says in the most deadpan voice. Sehun rarely shows emotion to other people, but he’s never like that with Joonmyun. Mostly with Joonmyun. It makes his chest feel weird. It’s a blessing and a curse in his opinion.

                “Well, regardless of that, we have guest coming in less than 2 hours and I have to order the pizza so get up,” Joonmyun groans and tries to push Sehun off of him, to no avail. Sehun crushes Joonmyun with his weight and lays flat again.

                “I’m serious Sehun. Get up already. We gotta go buy drinks and shit for the people coming over.”

                Sehun whines. “Hyung, don’t make me get up while I’m too comfortable here. It’s a struggle to get up right now, I swear.” He gives Joonmyun a grin and proceeds to wrestle Joonmyun onto the bed as he lies on top of him. “So comfy,” he sighs.

                “You’re annoying and you weigh a tonne now get off me,” Joonmyun deadpans.

                “No.”

                Sehun is an annoying brat. He really truly is. Joonmyun is not the only person who thinks that. All of their friends know it. Everyone has accepted Sehun’s default behavior. He’s even more annoying to Joonmyun. It’s weird that they’ve stayed friends this long. It’s weirder still that Joonmyun doesn’t mind it one bit. Not really.

                Joonmyun sighs in defeat. There’s no getting through to him. “Well at least give me my phone so I can order the pizza, then.” He mentally makes a note of the state of the apartment and decides it be acceptable enough for their friends. No dishes or laundry piling anywhere. No weird smells. Good enough. Their friends know they don’t clean well. Nothing to hide.

                He settles back down after calling the pizza place and placing his order. Sehun is fully lying on top of Joonmyun now and the bastard looks real close to falling asleep, his messy mop of hair tickling Joonmyun’s cheek. Nothing out of the ordinary.

                The guys show up and hour later with drinks and games in hand. Joonmyun was just serving up the pizza as they came walking in. Truthfully, Joonmyun could hear them coming from down the hallway, especially with Chanyeol’s booming voice and Baekhyun’s non-stop chatter. He’ll be sure to get some complaints from his neighbours tomorrow.

                “Hey, Joonmyun! We missed you,” Yixing says as he gives him a hug. “You weren’t there last week.” Yixing has always been a warm person. It’s one of his best qualities. It’s one of the things Joonmyun loves about him.

                “Yeah, sorry about that. I just wasn’t feeling up to it,” he replies impishly.

                “You suck hyung but atleast you buy us pizza.” Jongin pokes him in the stomach and sides and starts to tickle him mercilessly making Joonmyun fall to the floor, wriggling. Jongin kneels on the floor to continue. The little shit. Jongdae and Minseok start to join him, continuously saying how much he sucks for ditching.

                “Hey, hey! Stop torturing my hyung!” he hears Sehun say and soon after that he’s being sat upright by the younger. “He bought the pizza already so you guys should forgive him now.”

                “Sehun, your hyung sucks but we love that he buys us pizza,” Jongin says, a slice in his hand as he takes a seat next to Joonmyun on the carpet. He takes a big bite and grins to make a point. Joonmyun rolls his eyes.

                “Thank you, hyung!” Baekhyun comes crashing onto Joonmyun to get to the pizza. The television screen now displays the start screen of a video game Joonmyun knows nothing about from the tv show he had on just now as a a result of Baekhyun’s messing about. He really knows no boundaries.

                “So, what are we doing tonight?” Kyungsoo asks.

                “We brought video games and deck cards and some board games,” says Chanyeol. “We could watch a movie. We could also karaoke and get drunk if we wanted. We got enough booze for that.”

                “ _Oh no_. None of you is getting drunk. It’s harder to clean up when everyone is littered on the floor half-dead. You guys aren’t fat but you’re heavy, okay? This apartment is too small for all of you to pass out here,” Joonmyun starts to protest.

                “Relax, hyung. We won’t sleep here. Maybe,” Kyungsoo chimes in while Minseok grumbles sarcastically, “Thanks for showing us how much you love us, Joonmyun.”

                “Wanna play truth or dare?” Jongin suddenly chimes in.

                “Truth or dare? That’s a very cliché sleepover game, Jongin.” Jongdae shoots him a look.

                “Well, I don’t hear anyone else giving out any ideas,” Jongin says with a pout. Joonmyun pats him on the head in condolence. The kid is an overgrown child.

                “I say we play truth or dare,” Sehun says from Joonmyun’s side. “Because all of you guys are pussies anyway so a slumber party game seems fitting.”

                Baekhyun throws a pillow at him. “Asshole!” he shouts with a mouth full of pizza. Kyungsoo tosses a wad of napkins at his face. He wipes his mouth with a sheepish grin thrown Kyungsoo’s way. “Disgusting,” Kyungsoo says, shaking his head.

                “Sounds good to me,” Yixing agrees. Always the peaceful one of the group. It would be much easier if every single on of them were like him, Joonmyun thinks not for the first time. He quickly gets rid of the thought when he realizes how boring it would be without these colourful characters in his life. It’s a wonder how they all became friends in the first place considering how different all of them are from each other. But I guess they do find some similarities somehow and the differences make it interesting.

                “Fine,” Chanyeol grumbles. He places the already-empty bottle of beer he’s holding (they just barely got here and he’s already finished a bottle, this does not bode well with Joonmyun) and made everyone sit in a circle on the floor. They play rock, paper, scissors to decide who goes first (as they do with every decision they make) and Minseok gets first pick.

                “Who’s gonna be the first unlucky bastard?” he singsongs as he spins the bottle. Everyone holds their breaths as they watch the bottle spin slower and slower. It stops in front of Jongin. Minseok smiles at him sardonically, “Okay, Jonginnie. Fitting, since this was your idea. Truth or Dare, sweetheart?”

                “Truth.” Jongin has never fazed from a challenge. It’s a quality Joonmyun definitely admires in him. No matter how scared he is, he never backs down. Joonmyun wishes he has that.

                “Was there ever a time when you wanted more than just friendship from anyone in this room right now?” Minseok raises an eyebrow at him. That was a strong one for a starting question. All eyes are on Jongin as they wait for his answer. “If you pass you have to drink, remember that.”

                Joonmyun keeps his eyes downcast. He can’t bare witness to this. It’s not something they should talk about right now, not like this. Joonmyun knows best how that feels. He doesn’t want this for Jongin. He doesn’t want this for anyone because he would never want this for himself. Not ever.

                Jongin’s face remains stoic and Joonmyun could practically hear every breathe each and every person in the room take because of the quiet. It was a solid five minutes, maybe, although Joonmyun thought it felt longer and Jongin probably thought it was the longest before he grabs a bottle of beer and downs it in one go. Pass.

                Minseok gives him a look of understanding and Joonmyun wants to know how he knows, if even that he really knows. Jongin has confided in Joonmyun, that’s how he knows, but he’s not sure about everyone else. Was it obvious? Or purely by guess. They don’t really keep secrets in the group. It’s difficult to when they have nosy members like Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Also, they trust each other immensely that they don’t really feel the need to. Hidden secrets are huge ones that are not only difficult when revealed but difficult to be kept.

                Joonmyun subtly places a hand on his back. It’s out there. Partially anyway but it’s still out there. It’s a difficult thing to comprehend let alone accept or acknowledge. Joonmyun wishes he could take it back for Jongin, if only to save face. Jongin’s expression is blank but Joonmyun could see his eyes glaze over. This game sucks.

                “Who is it?” Chanyeol asks and everyone directs their gaze at him. Joonmyun glares. Sometimes he really is an idiot. “You can only ask one question, dumbass.” Jongdae slaps his back. “It’s not even your turn.”

                “Nice one, hyung,” Jongin says to Minseok. He actually manages a smile and Joonmyun is once again amazed by his guts. Joonmyun would have been halfway out the door by now. “It’s suppose to be hard, that’s part of the game, right?” Minseok smiles gently at him.

                “True. Okay, my turn.” Jongin rubs his hands before taking a spin. It lands on Yixing.

                And on it goes. They went through more than half of the drinks they brought and the pizza was almost gone. Everyone was having a hard time seeing straight. Mostly they were just laughing and barely saying anything coherent. Some dares were better than most and some truths revealed brought out laughter. Joonmyun felt Jongin relax and he was relaxing too, their earlier turmoil forgotten in midst of the drinks and laughter.

                “Your turn Sehun,” Jongdae points to him, his eyes bleary. His shirt is on backwards for ome reason Joonmyun can’t remember. Everything in front of him is fuzzy and he feels a thought forming before it gets lost in the haze inside his head. He can’t even sit upright at this point, leaning most of his body weight on Sehun. His head is propped on Sehun’s shoulder and he has half a mind to just fall asleep right there.

                Joonmyun has to rub his eyes twice to focus his vision when he sees the tip of the bottle pointed straight at him, to confirm. Sehun looks at him and Joonmyun can’t be too sure but his face has a very intense expression. Like he was expecting this. Joonmyun has to sit back and lean on Jongin to get a proper look. Plus, his head is starting to throb. Just a little bit.

                “Truth or dare, hyung.”

                Joonmyun knows enough not to pick dare because holy hell can they come up with good dares. After Baekhyun has had to streak naked through the hallways singing Beyonce’s Single Ladies at the top of his lungs, he knows better. They barely escaped the notice of Joonmyun’s neighbours with that one.

                “Truth,” Joonmyun says, praying it wasn’t a hard one because he really can’t comprehend anything right now.

“Hyung,” Sehun starts. “Have you ever been in love? Or liked some to the point of madness at the very least. And yes, that is one question because I say so.”

                Joonmyun feels himself sobering up in an instant. _WHAT THE HELL?_ Joonmyun thinks. Not again. Joonmyun doesn’t want to panic right now, he can’t. He barely covered himself with Jongin just now. He’s not sure he can do it again. He feels Jongin nudge him in the back. He’s not sure if it’s a sign of encouragement or what but he’s not going to think too much about that.

                “Ummm….” Joonmyun is definitely caught off guard. It makes him think that Sehun is not as drunk as he let on. No drunk person would ask such a question. There’s too much to think about but the alcohol in his system is not helping. _Maybe he asked out of pure curiosity?_ _Does he know?_ “What was the question again?” he slurs. It’s such a bad time to be drunk right now.

                “Have you ever been in love?” Sehun is looking straight at him right now. It’s kind of intimidating. It also makes Joonmyun’s heart beat irrationally. _This is not the time._

                He takes a deep breath and makes his decision. Joonmyun reaches for a fresh bottle and drinks it straight, thinking he needs more alcohol than this to forget, to avoid. He glances at Sehun from the top of his bottle. Joonmyun is not sure if it’s the alcohol or if he’s just crazy but he thinks Sehun might have looked a little disappointed. Maybe just a little bit.

                Joonmyun finishes the bottle faster than he expected and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand sloppily. He loud burp suddenly comes out from his mouth. _Ooppss._ He could feel Jongin rhythmically patting his back. There’s one person here that definitely knows.

                “Bad ass, hyung!” Kyungsoo says, giving him a high-five. His smile is wide. “Somebody definitely broke your heart, didn’t they!”

                _They don’t know,_ Joonmyun thinks to himself. It’s not that person that broke his heart. His heart is still breaking and it’s nobody’s fault but his own. His own stupid fault. He steals a glance from the corner of his eye at Sehun as Jongin squeezes his shoulder. Sehun is still looking at him too hard and he doesn’t know what to make of it. He opens another bottle and takes a sip, eyes averted to the floor.

                “Joonmyun, it’s your turn,” Yixing’s voice breaks through his reverie and he quickly looks up, the movement making his head hurt more but he bites back a groan. “What? Oh, right.” He spins the bottle and it lands on Jongdae. “Truth or dare?” he asks.

                _They don’t know_ , he thinks in the back of his mind while simultaneously taking sips of his beer as the game goes through the night. He’s not sure how they still have alcohol when all of them have done nothing but drink since the start. Joonmyun is pretty sure everyone will end up passing out here despite his best wishes and he just can’t find it in himself to care about that or the mess that’ll evidently be left behind.

                He feels Sehun slide his fingers through his, holding his hand firmly. _They don’t know. It’s not his fault. It’s no one’s fault but mine. I’m breaking my own heart. I did this to me. It’s my fault. They don’t know._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone. I'm very sorry that this took so long. I didn't even realise how much time has passed since the last chapter. I sincerely apologise to those who have waited for this. I didn't mean to make you wait this long. I hope the wait was worth it. If not then I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
> 
> Some of you might already think that I've given up on this story but rest assured I haven't. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing *laughs nervously* but I'll keep working on this.
> 
> I don't want to give excuses but I also feel like I owe people at least a short explanation. So basically life got the better of me. I was going through a particularly dark period (one of many) of my life and just couldn't find the will to write. Half of this chapter has been sitting in my laptop for about as long as it took to post this. And then my laptop sort of failed on me and everything got deleted so I had to start all over. And then I had exams back-to-back and I was just constantly too tired to even think let alone write. 
> 
> Now I'm finally ready and it took awhile to get all this out. Hopefully you guys like it. 
> 
> I don't know how long it'll take for the next update but I hope it won't be as long as this one *laughs awkwardly*
> 
> Let me know what you guys think. I would love to hear your thoughts. 
> 
> Again, I'm sorry if this is crappy. It's 5.18 am as I'm writing this. Also it's still un-beta'd so grammar errors are a possibility and hopefully will be forgiven.
> 
> Okay, that's all. Please enjoy.

You should just tell him,” Jongin says as he sips on his hot chocolate. It’s quite busy in the coffee shop for a weekday but Joonmyun always liked the hustle and bustle of this particular coffee shop. Jongin is drinking hot chocolate (as he always does because he is just an overgrown child) while Joonmyun sips on his coffee. Jongin has always been an annoying brat who pesters Joonmyun to buy food for him. He tries to say no but Joonmyun always ends up caving in the end. It's just easier sometimes. 

    

“Tell who what exactly?” Mornings were never his thing, but the sun was shining particularly bright this morning and Jongin is a nag when he wants to be. It's giving him a lingering headache. He needs to go back to sleep. He needs more coffee. He needs Jongin to stop talking.

 

"Aww, Hyung! Don't be like that." Jongin smiles his way as he flags a waiter for another order of hot chocolate. They were barely here for 10 minutes and he's already downed a whole cup. The sugar addict. Like Sehun. They're two peas, those two. Both annoying. Both like to nag at him. Both like to make him buy them stuff. But yet they're different. 

 

"I do not have even an inkling of a clue as to what this is you speak of. What do you want for lunch?" Joonmyun knows where exactly this is going. He already has a headache and this is making it worst. It's too early for this. Jongin is not helping him in anyway. The little shit. 

 

"You know exactly what I'm talking about and it's about time you fess up to it," Jongin says, exasperatingly. His index finger poking him in the shoulder at the statement. He wants to break the finger but he can't because it's Jongin and he always does this. It's inevitable. With his luck, Jongin will probably grow a new finger and poke his eyes out.

 

"I really don't have a clue to what you're talking about. Can we please talk about where to go for lunch instead?" It's exasperating to him that Jongin cannot and would not let it go. He regrets the one moment of weakness in a fog of emotional pity and alcohol. He regrets revealing quite possibly his longest kept secret; his biggest secret.  

 

"Hyung, would you please just stop this bullshit? It really is tiring for me even to see you and him and know what I know and not do anything about it. It's plain as day to every fucking person who knows the both of you. But evidently it isn't obvious to the both of you. You guys are blinded by your however-many-years of friendship to see what is _right fucking there_ ," Jongin rambles, his breath coming out a little shallow, which usually means he's trying to control his anger. It's not a first, this kind of outburst. 

 

Joonmyun feels himself starting to panic, his throat swelling up and he’s finding it hard to breathe. "Who else knows?" Fucking hell has it been that obvious? Has _he_ been that obvious? Joonmyun could feel his heart rate pick up, hearing it resonate in his ears, and the sweat dripping down his back even though it’s the middle of winter.

 

Jongin’s eyes widen in shock. “No one, hyung. I’m sorry I said that. It was out of line. No one knows I swear. It’s just me. I’m sorry I didn’t mean that.” He grabs Joonmyun’s hand and starts rubbing them in between both his hands; trying to calm him down, apology in his eyes.

 

Joonmyun gives him a reassuring smile and takes a deep breath. The swell in his throat is gone and he can breathe calmly again but his heart feels heavy, he can hear it beating in his ears still.

 

“I’m sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean it,” Jongin says lowly, guilt clear in his voice. Joonmyun’s heart breaks a little at seeing him so, at being the cause of it, so he pats Jongin on the head and laughs. “Apology accepted. Stop worrying, okay?”

 

Jongin sighs in relief, giving Joonmyun a smile that he personally knows has made people fall head over heels for him. All except the only one that matters, sadly. “You should really think about getting a haircut, Jonginnie. Any longer and you’ll lose your sight with all the hair poking your eyes,” Joonmyun reprimands, pushing Jongin’s hair back away from his forehead.

 

“You’re such a nag hyung.” Jongin sticks his tongue out at him. Joonmyun rolls his eyes. A typical response, almost always expected from Jongin. No respect for his hyungs at all. The little shit. He takes a sip of his coffee and promptly ignores Jongin’s offence.

 

The silence between them brought back their earlier conversation into Joonmyun’s mind. He has always just acted cool about it, always ignored Jongin whenever he brings it up and just goes on with everything else. He’s always been content with just being by his side, always thought that was enough, it’ll always be enough. _I can’t take the risk. I’m too scared to even think about the possibilities._ But what if?

 

“How do I talk to him about this?” He can’t help but to ask. It’s a tempting thought. He does wonder sometimes. If things were different, if they were different. Joonmyun knows it’s selfish to want more than what he’s been given. What they have, what _he_ has, is more than what he could ever wish for and _definitely_ more than what he expected; to want more is selfish. Even the thought of it is selfish. But just _what if?_

 

“About what?” Jongin is giving him a look and it’s one he knows all too well. It’s his I-am-gonna-give-you-so-much-shit look. Joonmyun wants to slap the look right off of his face.

 

Still, he musters up some patience and takes a deep breath. “How do I talk to him about _this_?” He can’t say it out loud. It seems like such a monumental thing and his throat just can’t push the words out. His mouth refuses to move for him and there’s a ball stuck in his throat that’s probably blocking the way of the words out.

 

Jongin still has _that look_ on his face, all innocent and unassuming. It’s all just bullshit to Joonmyun. “I have no idea what this elusive _‘this’_ that you speak of, hyung. You need to be a bit more specific. You know I’m kind of slow when it comes to these things,” he says with a smirk. _The little shit_. _He’s gonna make me say it. He’s really gonna make me say it._ Joonmyun feels like vomiting.

 

_God, I can’t do this. I just can’t._ “No, you know what? Forget it. Forget I said anything. So, lunch? I was thinking pasta but I’m also feeling jjigae-ish. Any ideas?” His heart is starting to beat a little slower, going back to normal and he can _breathe_ a little bit easier now. It was a stupid thought anyway, as always. Pointless. Better not to delve in to that before he’s in too deep and drowning. _I’m already choking as it is._

 

“Hyung, come one. What was it that you meant? Just tell me. I really didn’t understand,” Jongin says with hope in his eyes. He thinks, hopes, that Joonmyun gives in. He’s always been a bit of a dreamer. Joonmyun commends the kid on that one; he’s always hopeful, he never gives up. He’s also bordering on relentless. But that’s only to Joonmyun.

 

“No, it’s nothing. Let’s just drop it, okay? So, lunch? Any thoughts? You haven’t answered me yet.”

 

“Well, you haven’t answered me either.” Jongin looks at him pointedly. “Pot calling the kettle black.” Joonmyun rolls his eyes and shakes his head. The kid is _relentless_.

_This is pointless._ He lets out another big sigh. He does that a lot whenever he’s out with Jongin. It’s an exhausting exercise, being out with Jongin. He is both physically and mentally challenging, a puzzle all on his own. Joonmyun always ends up giving in to him. _Always_. He shoots Jongin a look.

 

“You first, hyung.” He smirks at Joonmyun while sipping his third cup. He’s so unhealthy sometimes. It’s a wonder he grew up so tall, taller than Joonmyun could ever wish to be. Life really is unfair at times. He reaches out and stops Jongin from inhaling the hot chocolate. “Slow down or you’ll give yourself diabetes,” he reprimands.

 

Jongin clears his throat as he sets his mug down. He raises and eyebrow at Joonmyun. “Well?” he presses. And Joonmyun relents. Holding back was getting him nowhere anyway.

 

“H-H-How do I tell him t-that… t-that…” he stutters. He can’t say it. He really, really, really can’t. The weight of the words feels like a thousand anchors in his mouth. The fear holds him back, always holding him back.

 

_If it’s out there it becomes real_. Too real for Joonmyun to handle.

 

“That what?” Jongin pushes on. When he could see that Joonmyun was struggling more than usual (honestly people on Mars could probably have seen it), he decides to help him. “That you love your best friend? And not in the normal brotherly love but in the I-want-to-smother-him-with-kisses-and-fuck-you-senseless kind of love? That you’ve been in love with said best friend for longer than you care to admit? That not a single day has passed by with the whole entire being of him making you want him any less?” Jongin looks at him with a raised brow.

 

Joonmyun can’t look at Jongin in the eyes after that. His eyes are glued to the cup of coffee in front of him. His coffee has gone cold and so have his hands, shivering even though the coffee shop is warm with the heater on. He feels lead in his mouth and he feels like vomiting. This feeling is unnatural and he wants it to go away. _Now_. He knows Jongin is looking at him; can feel his gaze on him, waiting.

 

“Y-Ye-Yes,” Joonmyun croaks. That was not easy. That was just as difficult as he expected. Maybe even more so. “Except for the fucking thing,” he says in a small voice. He can’t bring himself to even process that.

 

He hears Jongin snort and he looks up at the younger with a glare. “Yeah, right, hyung. I completely believe you.” His tone sounds about as convincing as pigs flying. “Shut up, Jonginnie. Just shut up.” He slams his whole being on the table and narrowly spilling his cold coffee, wanting the ground to just swallow him up and disappear. _Please let this nightmare end_.

 

“See, hyung? Was that so hard?” He looks up to Jongin smiling at him oh-so-innocently. The little shit.

 

“Yessss,” he groans. “That one fucking word was so fucking hard to say let alone think. Imagine having to say that to _him_.” He hides in his arms on the table again.

 

“Jeez, don’t sound so miserable. What are you so afraid of? That he won’t swing that way? Because both of us have seen him fall head over heels for assholes and douchebags who let their dicks control their every being more times than we can count.” He sips his hot chocolate and grimaces, probably from the beverage turning cold, but takes another sip nevertheless.

 

“It’s not that.” Joonmyun drinks his cold coffee if only to drench his throat that suddenly feel as dry as a dessert. The coffee feels like sandpaper down his throat and it doesn’t help at all.

 

“Then what? Are you afraid that we’re gonna look at you differently just because you want to fuck guys? And not just any guy but our very own Sehunnie?” Because I promise you we won’t care about that. You know we won’t care.”

 

“Would you keep your voice down?! And enough with the S-E-X talk, will you?!” Joonmyun whisper-yells, keeping his gaze down and avoiding eye contact with any possible living being in proximity.

 

“No one is listening and my voice isn’t that loud. Relax, hyung.” Jongin rolls his eyes. Joonmyun hyung can be so dramatic at times. “So, tell me. If it isn’t all that then what it is? What are you afraid of Joonmyun hyung?”

 

Joonmyun still can’t look Jongin in the eye and maybe it’s better this way. He can pretend that he’s talking to a wall. “It’s not that I’m scared he won’t swing that way. I’m scared that he won’t swing _my way_. Do you understand that?” _A wall. A wall. He’s talking to a wall_. “I’ve known him since he was just a kid. He still is a kid sometimes. And he leans on me, depends on me. I like that he does but it also means I can’t let him down. You know how crazy his life is. How his family is. I’m the only thing that has been constant in his life and he’s told me that more than once. Every time he does it’s a reminder. That I can’t change anything for him, that I can’t hurt him like how everyone else has. That I have to be the one to hold him up when he can’t stand. It’s comforts me that I can be that for him but it means that it’s all I’ll ever be for him.”

 

Joonmyun takes a deep breath and braves himself to look Jongin in the eyes. He pretends not to see the pity in them. “I’m afraid to tell him because I can’t ruin this for him. I can’t hurt him. And I can’t risk losing him too. I can’t bear the thought of not seeing him in my life again. Telling him could do that and I can’t take that risk. It’s too much. I’m not just scared for me. I’m scared for him, too.” Joonmyun could feel his eyes water a bit but he keeps himself calm. “So please don’t ask me to risk this. Because I can’t. I don’t want to. It’s too much. _You_ of all people should know.”

 

Jongin slides his hand across the table and grasp one of Joonmyun’s firmly in his. “Hyung, we’ve been over this conversation many times before and every single time I let it pass because you didn’t seem ready. But the thing is, I don’t think you’ll ever be ready. You avoid talking about it, thinking about it even, like the plague. This is the farthest we’ve ever gotten to talking about it and even now, you’re trying to brush it away. You might think that you can deal with this, but you don’t see what I see. You don’t see how much hurt there is in your eyes when he talks about another person or is with another person, regardless if it’s a guy or a girl. You don’t see how you grimace a little bit whenever he tries to hug you because you’re holding yourself back. You don’t hear the sadness in your voice when you tell everyone he’s on a date with someone else.” Jongin’s voice is low, calm. He’s determined. “You don’t see all this _but I do_. And I can’t see you hurting anymore. I don’t want to. I don’t push to tease you, hyung. I push because I want you to be happy. Because you deserve that.” 

 

Jongin is a little shit and he has always been a little shit. But he’s a little shit with good points. And a heart of gold. Damn him. Jongin is now rubbing both of Joonmyun’s hands in his, probably feeling how cold they’ve gone. It’s helping a little bit but it doesn’t stop the shivering. “I can’t, Jongin. I just can’t. How do I even talk to him about this? I can’t just tell him. He’ll _run_ , Jongin. He avoids any possibility of a serious _anything_. What makes you think this’ll be any different?”

“Because just like you don’t see you, you don’t see him either. You don’t see how he looks at you sometimes. You don’t notice how he’ll always reach and search for _you_ when he’s nervous or scared or overwhelmed. You might think that it’s because you’ve been with each other for so long, but I think it’s something different, something more.” He gives Joonmyun a tiny smile. “How long are you going to avoid this, hyung?”

 

“And what if you’re wrong?” His voice sounds so small even to his own ears. So fragile.

 

“I highly doubt it, but on the slight chance at least you know.” Jongin blows a puff of hot air to Joonmyun’s hands. He’s a kind little shit at least. “I know you’re scared of changing what is but maybe it could be good for you. I know you always wonder about the possibility, hyung. I can see it sometimes. Your face shows a lot more than you think. If you tell him, then you can stop wondering about what could be and start living in what is. If he runs, then let him.” Jongin sees the panic in Joonmyun’s eyes so he continues quickly. “It’s not that I want it to happen but _if he does_ , at least you can let go too. You get a chance to move on, a chance to find happiness for you for a change. I want that for you, hyung.”

 

“I don’t know, Jongin. It’s too much.” _Too much possibilities. Too much risk. Too much_.

 

“Well, look at it this way. You’ve seen him get heart broken by assholes before. Don’t you want to give him something he deserves? Something you both deserves?” Jongin downs the last of his beverage while Joonmyun just circles the rim of his mug with is fingertip. “And besides, do you want to spend the rest of your life not knowing or being sure with it and live without regrets?”

 

“How are you so sure I won’t have regrets, huh? Maybe I’ll regret it the moment I even utter a word to him.” Joonmyun tries to make light of the conversation if only to save himself from bursting into tears because _this is too painful_.

 

Jongin shrugs. “Because you can’t regret knowing the truth. Whether it’s what you want to hear or not.” Jongin’s phone buzzes and he looks to see who it is while Joonmyun let all of it sink in. The little shit has a point, at least Joonmyun thinks he does. Damn him.

 

“You know, if you’re soooo good at this, why haven’t you taken your own advice?” Joonmyun shoots back at him. He’s being just a little bit petty. Just a little bit.

 

“It’s different, hyung. I can’t just tel-”

 

“How is it different?” Joonmyun cuts him off. “It’s _exactly the same_. You can’t just keep denying what is and live your life like this. You deserve to be happy, Jongin. I want that for you, too.”

 

Jongin is silent for a bit. “It’s different,” he says with certainty. “It’s different because _I know_ he doesn’t feel the same way. _I know_ he’ll never look at me any different because he’s _never_ looked at me.” Jongin’s eyes are hard as stone but Joonmyun knows him well enough to know that it’s a façade. It’s his shield.

 

Now it’s Joonmyun’s turn to shrug. “Like you said. You don’t see what I see.”

 

Both of them go quiet as they process what have been said between them. Maybe even more than that. Joonmyun doesn’t know how long they have been staring into oblivion when he registers the growl of his stomach. He looks around to realise that most of the previous patrons have left and some even have been replaced by new ones.

 

He reaches over and light taps Jongin on his hands. Jongin immediately looks at him but Joonmyun could see the heaviness in his eyes. He was still thinking about it, the thoughts like mountains in his head. Joonmyun knows it all too well.

 

_We need a break_. “So, lunch?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

        

 

 

 

 

 

    

 


End file.
